Why “You Do You” Is Terrible Life Advice

Originally posted in the Morning Call

We talk a lot about authenticity, but not enough about its cost. Early in my career, our general counsel told me a story about her humble beginnings. A classic New Yorker, she was fast-talking, opinionated, expressive—and stepping into a male-dominated legal field.

“I rubbed people the wrong way,” she said. “So I tempered my style, even sat on my hands to avoid gesturing.”

“Wouldn’t people call that inauthentic?” I asked.

“I was hired to get results. If something about me jeopardized that, I had to change.”

That kind of decision feels controversial now.

Because somewhere along the way, “you do you” became our cultural compass, and we started rewarding personal expression over collective impact.

You’re Not as Self-Aware as You Think

The original intent behind “you do you” came from a good place: Be yourself. Don’t worry about what other people think of you (though I’d argue you should, but more on that later). Taken at face value, which most things are, it subtly encourages people to lean into what feels natural or comfortable, without questioning how it lands.

And here’s the catch: most people aren’t as self-aware as they think. Research shows 95% of people believe they are, but only 10 to 15% actually are. That matters because without self-awareness, we don’t know how we’re coming across. We assume our tone is fine, our intentions are clear, and our style is effective, but are we building connection or creating friction? Without that reflection, “you do you” becomes a barrier, not a bridge.

The Feedback I Needed

I once trained colleagues on how to use the back end of a company intranet. I thought everyone was picking it up quickly, which I took as a sign that my teaching style was perfect.

Then one day, my boss pulled me aside and said, “You’re great with people who get it fast, but you come off as cold and condescending when they don’t.”

That was not how I perceived myself. My “me being me” approach didn’t click with everyone. I assumed I was doing a great job because my style resonated with people who learned like me. But those who didn’t? They walked away confused and deflated. And it wasn’t just one or two people—it was a pattern I had been blind to.

I didn’t realize that on my own, but once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. I didn’t get defensive or try to justify my style. I listened. And like my former general counsel, I had a choice: stick with what felt natural or change. I chose the latter because I had a job to do.

That’s the difference between self-expression and self-awareness.

It’s Not All About You

In life and business, there are moments when we have to stretch beyond our defaults—not our identity, but our behavior. This isn’t fake. It’s choosing outcomes over ego. That’s the nuance we’re losing in a world of extremes, and it’s problematic.

In business, “you do you” shows up when people reject feedback because “that’s just how I work.” When collaboration breaks down because someone would rather be “real” than respectful. When leaders mistake bluntness for honesty and forget that influence requires emotional intelligence, not just volume.

I’ve seen even more serious consequences of this mindset.

I work with incarcerated women, many of whom followed a “you do you” path straight into prison. In most cases, they did what felt right in the moment, often shaped by trauma, survival, or misguided independence. That’s the thing about “you do you.” It might feel empowering initially, but it can have serious consequences down the line…for you and everyone around you.

The Other Side of You Matters

We’re also experiencing “you do you” on a much bigger stage.

Politicians now build entire brands around being “authentic,” even when that authenticity is combative or cruel. The thinking is: I said what I said. If you don’t like it, you’re the problem.

It’s “you do you” at scale, making it harder for us to meet in the middle. We’ve created a binary: you’re either with me or against me. There’s no room in between.

This mindset didn’t come out of nowhere either. In a world constantly trying to label us, pushing back seems logical. “You do you” can feel like freedom. However, that sense of empowerment can easily become entitlement: the belief that others should embrace us without question.

But authenticity should never be a free pass, even under the banner of “you do you.” It’s a responsibility. It’s about caring enough to ask: What is it like to be on the other side of me?

That one question could change everything—not just how we lead but how we live.

Because real connection doesn’t come from being accepted exactly as we are; it comes from being willing to sit on our own hands once in a while and ask the deeper questions. It comes from being willing to see ourselves through someone else’s eyes.